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For those of you not in the know:
Buki Akib played Josie Jump in the first few series of Balamory and then vanished to be
replaced by another actress (Kasia Haddad). And when we say vanished, we mean
vanished.
Now, I'm not famous, I run a tiny toy shop in the West of Scotland. I never appeared in
one of the nations favourite TV shows, however even I can raise 300-odd hits on Google.
The strange thing is, other than sites about Balamory, there is not a single article about
Buki ANYWHERE. Try it for yourself. Search +Buki +Akib -Balamory. The smattering of
sites you get are either nothing to do with her, or are about Balamory even though the
word Balamory doesn't appear.
Sinister or what? A nationally famous celebrity has disappeared.
OK, so she was possibly the worst actress ever to appear outside the adult film
industry. However, the blame must lie partly with the producers. They cast her as a
fitness/dance/PE instructor despite her obvious lack of any interest in physical activity.
(The part of her theme song where the goalkeeper has to jump out of the way to allow
her to score a goal is one of the great TV moments - I get the impression that even that
was Take 42.)
But that aside, what happened to her?
According To A Show Insider
Around the middle of the Balamory run, post-op bus driver Edie McReadie, finally
reached the end of her tether with Josie's lack of talent and made complaints to the
authorities. PC Plum, after investigating, arrested her outside of Pocket and Sweet's for
Crimes Against Acting.
A Kangaroo Court was quickly convened in the Nursery, with local toff and land owner,
Archie The Inventor presiding as judge.
After hearing evidence from the other cast members, she was sentenced to Death By
Hoolie (a process too frightening to describe on these pages).
She is now buried in the Balamory Nursery Garden and ever since, the embarrassed
BBC has been trying to cover up the shameful events of that day.
Answers
I don't know about you, but I demand answers! I'm starting a campaign to establish
THE TRUTH ABOUT BUKI AKIB.
What can you do to help?
1) If you have any information, no matter how trivial it may seem, please pass it on
to us. You never know how much it might help. Or if you have another wild conspiracy
theory about what happened, that we can use to cause mischief around the web with,
feel free to send us that too.
2) Make a donation to the 'What Happened to Buki Akib?' campaign. I'm trying to
raise enough money to get Phil off of Time Team to excavate the Balamory Nursery
Garden looking for the body.
3) Write to your MP. If enough of us do it, there will have to be questions in
Parliament.
4) Stand outside BBC Scotland HQ with a placard reading 'Buki Akib - You Can't
Hide The Truth'.
Please note that if you claim to have seen her, or know her, you will be treated with the
same scorn as people who claim to have seen Elvis and Bob Marley enjoying a KFC
together. We know you are lying.
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